Journal

Coming to terms with mental health.

So for a while I have been dealing with major issues with my mental health, one day I will be bed ridden and cant face the world,whereas others I am more able to put a face on it. My mental health has almost always been something to be concearned about, but I don't always know it at the time. I am going to explain what life is like for me at the moment, without putting any labels to whatever it is thats wrong with me, afterall it's the psychiatrists job to diagnose, right?

Mental health is one of those subjects that no one really wants to talk about because they don't really know what to say. It's different if you have a broken leg, because people can see the damage to your body, but not everyone would know about mental health problems, and thats where the problems begin. 

For me, I find that it is very easy for me to pretend that everything is okay, when in fact I don't feel like anything is okay at all. I am now just beginning the process of getting my assessments done in order to start on the road to getting better. How I feel is simple, I feel down and depressed, I feel tired to the point of exhaustion but somehow I find it difficult to sleep. It is hard to explain, but I just know there is something wrong. 

I have been speaking with family and friends, trying to get a wholistic view of what is wrong with me, apparently I am unpredictable, unreliable, one day I can be doped up and the next I can be hyper. When I am doped up I am slow and tired looking, I am grumpy and irritable. When I have a hyper stage I am louder than normal, I talk over people, I say things that are mean or harsh and have no recollection of saying them - which is the most scary thing.  I also become very obsessive over things, which can be as mundane as cleaning my house, but they can also include things like sorting my life out and making life altering changes. Would I get married if I knew what I do now? Definitely not. I cannot say I regret it, because I got my beautiful vibrant daughter from that relationship, but knowing what I do now, I would have done things differently.

 I was diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder a little over 3 years ago, but now I am looking back and piecing everything together, I think it was almost a cop out, like telling you a child has a virus but not specifying what is actually wrong with them. It is so frustrating, because my anxiety makes me crave to be in control of most situations, and I only feel completely at ease when I am driving or when I am around my boyfriend. He makes me feel safe, and I don't have to think about all of the problems when I am with him. Of course I am a little more freaked out by the fact I have been saying things I am not aware of, because this is me being out of control of my body. 

I guess at the end of the day Mental Health is something that 1 in 4 of us have to deal with, everyone has known someone with some degree of mental illness, and I find it frustrating that the subject is such a taboo, no one would look down on you if you broke your arm, but your brain is another story entirely. Unfortunately the brain is not so easy to fix as it would be a broken limb or another kind of injury, it's simply not something you can put a plaster on and wait for it to heal. I am not labelling what is wrong with me, thats not my job. But i do find it helps to have somewhere that I can write exactly what I am feeling, and what is going on with me. I may miss a couple of days here and there, because some days are hard, but I will always do my best to return.  

  

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